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How to have impossible conversations

By Peter Boghossian and James A. Lindsay

  • Impossible conversations can be productive when they become collaborative
    • Coercion is a bad way to change somebody's mind
    • Conversation is inherently collaborative, and it creates an opportunity for people to reconsider what they believe and thus potentially change how they act
  • If you want to change someone's mind, you have to listen to them
    • People are more likely to accept self-generated ideas than messages delivered by others
    • Remember, everyone finds it deeply satisfying to be heard
  • It's easier to talk openly and air disagreements when you build rapport
    • Break the ice with obvious questions about names, occupations
    • Avoid parallel talk
      • This is when someone tells you about their vacation in Cuba, and you take this as a cue to start talking about your time in Cuba. Asking someone questions about their holiday is an easy and effective way to build rapport.
      • Using their stories to talk about your life, by contrast, is a great way to undermine this connection
  • To change someone's mind, you must first plant a seed of doubt
    • Unread library effect
      • Borrowing books from library but never actually reading them, and assuming that we've assimilated the knowledge in all unread books
    • Modeling ignorance
      • If you want somebody to recognize the limits of their knowledge, pretend to be ignorant.
      • Well, either your partner will realize that he actually doesn't know that much, or, if he really is an expert, you will be rewarded with an interesting lesson
  • To foster mutual respect and openness during arguments, use Rapoport's Rules
    • Once your position is misrepresented by someone, your real views no longer matter. Instead, she's attacking a straw man - a misrepresentation that's easier to defeat than your real opinion
    • Rapoport's Rules
      • You must attempt to rephrase your partner's position in your own words. Do it as clearly and fairly as you can. You want them to say, "Wow, I wish I'd put it like that."
      • You must list every point of agreement between you and your conversation partner
      • You should tell your partner what you've learned from their argument (pro-social modeling)
      • You may voice disagreements only after you've gone through the previous three rules
  • If evidential arguments aren't helping, try posing logical questions instead
  • What evidence can change your mind?
  • Minimal encouragers - Small signals that discreetly inform the speaker you're listening like Yeah, I see, OK
  • Actionable advice
    • Identify the source of conflict by listening to your "moral dialect"

Talking Across the Divide

  • Smile
  • Remember someone's name
  • Listen to them
  • Think about what they want
  • Don't make your success come at the price of theirs
  • Don't tell others they are wrong
  • Get to understand (and appreciate) why they think as they do