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How to be an adult in relationships

By David Richo

  • The emotional support we seek when we're young can be broken down into what the author callsthe five A's. They are attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing others to be who they are.
    • First up, attention. In relationships, being attentive to our partners means listening to their thoughts and emotions. Often, this involves being what the author calls a "mindful witness." Our loved ones may have suffered abuse, betrayals, or hurts in the past and, as their partners, it's our job to listen to their stories respectfully.
    • Second, there isacceptance-- of ourselves and others. Mutual acceptance is the bedrock of a healthy relationship. When we find someone who loves us -- with all our feelings and emotional burdens -- we feel liberated. We don't have to hide behind a mask because our partner loves us for all that we are.
    • The third thing isappreciation.This involves valuing our partners' gifts, knowing and understanding their limitations, and supporting them in the pursuit of their dreams and desires.
    • Affection is the fourthAon the list. It involves holding and touching our partners in respectful ways. Receiving affection in the form of kisses, hugs, or even a gentle smile across a room helps us feel loved and wanted. It meets our childlike need to feel safe and secure.
    • The fifth and finalAisallowinglife and love to be just what they are -- with all their sorrow, ecstasy, and heartache -- without trying to take control. This is what it takes to bepresentin a relationship: to love and to be loved.
  • Working through our issues involves paying attention and letting go.
  • mindfulness -- an ancient Buddhist practice that brings our attention to what is happening in the present. Through mindfulness techniques, clients learn to notice the thoughts or feelings that arise within them -- but, instead of holding on to them, they learn to let them go.
  • To begin, sit in a quiet space with your eyes open or closed, your back straight, and your hands placed in your lap. Pay attention to your breath. When thoughts or anxieties enter your mind, notice them, label them as "thoughts," and then return to your breathing. Of course, this takes practice. Eventually, your breath will drown out any distracting thoughts in the back of your mind.
  • This is how we can think of relationships, too: they start out with romance, they progress into conflict, and then repose in commitment. And these cycles can repeat themselves again and again.
    • Romance > Conflict > Compromise
    • In a committed relationship, couples are able to give and receive thefive A's. They let go of their desire to be right in arguments, and instead search for compromise. They may still fight, but they do not stop loving each other.
    • "The rose of relationship grows petals in romance, thorns in conflict, and roots in commitment."
  • Admit, Allow, andAct As If.
    • First, you have to admit your fears to yourself and others. This involves naming your fears without blaming anyone. For example, you could say to your partner,"I am scared to get close to you because . . . ," or"my fear of betrayal comes from . . . ."
    • Then, you have to allowyourself to feel your fears, without judging them. This aligns with our practice of mindfulness: we allow our feelings to emerge, we recognize them for what they are, and then we let them go.
    • Next up, act as if you have no fear. For example, if you fear abandonment, try to get comfortable being away from your partner for one minute more each day. And, if you fear engulfment, try to stay away from your partner for one minute less.
  • Loving one person teaches us how to love the rest of the world.