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Mistakes / Apology

Never make the same mistake twice.

Learning from mistakes separates the best from the rest

Make a mistake you can afford so that you live to make another one.

The After-Action Review (AAR) method​

AAR is a 4-question framework

1. What did I intend to accomplish?​

Example: Wish John a happy birthday (to show him that he's important to me).

2. What happened?​

Example: I forgot to wish John a happy birthday

3. Why did it happen that way?​

Seek the root cause, not the proximate.

Proximate = what immediately caused something to happen. Root = the real reason something happened.

Example:

  • Proximate: It was a crazy day at school; I forgot.
  • Root: I didn't have a reminder

4. What will I do next time for a better outcome (or to repeat my success)?​

Example: Create a recurring calendar invite for John's birthday (+ other friends/family/colleagues)

Won't happen again

Now some After-Action Review tips​

  • Do an AAR for any action (win or loss). Normalize learning from wins and losses
  • Complete individually or as a team
  • Focus on the problem, not the person
  • Journal your reflections I've titled my notebook, 'Learned'

Apology / Apologize​

The best way to apologize (according to science)

  • Understanding and accepting responsibility for your actions is what some researchers call the centerpiece of an apology.
  • But it’s okay if this feels difficult and vulnerable - it’s supposed to be! The costly nature of apologies is part of what makes them meaningful. So while you might be tempted to defend your actions as accidental, it’s important to remember that a good apology isn’t about making you feel better. It’s about seeking to understand the perspective of the wronged party and repair the damage to your relationship. This means that while clarifying your intentions non-defensively can be helpful, your mistake being an accident shouldn’t absolve you from offering a sincere apology.
  • But what if your mistake wasn’t an accident? So how can you reach beyond that terrible non-apology, "I’m sorry YOU feel this way"? In situations like this, it can be easy to focus on rationalizing your actions when you should be working to understand the other person’s perspective. Clearly acknowledging wrongdoing indicates that you know exactly how you messed up, But it’s always helpful to indicate exactly how you’ll change and what you’ll do to repair the damage caused by your offense.
  • Researchers call this the offer of repair, One common offer of repair is a verbal commitment not to make the same mistake again, but promising to do better only works if you actually do better. Taking the victim’s perspective, accepting responsibility, and making concrete offers of repair are just a few of the elements of a good apology.
  • But remember, apologies aren’t about getting forgiveness and moving on; they’re about expressing remorse and accepting accountability.